Teaching emotional intelligence to babies
Working with new parents is a joy because we’re starting the next generation off on the right foot. In my work, I demonstrate how to discover what the baby’s actions are trying to tell us, how to meet his or her needs, how to resist “feeding for every cry,” how to play and talk with the baby, and how to address emotions. I explain to parents that babies have the capacity to feel everything, and that they can sense whether things are good or bad at home. They are acutely aware of when you leave them, and whether you are sad or anxious.
Here is what one Mom said recently:
"After working with Ava for a few weeks, I learned how emotions can accumulate in babies — just like in adults. These emotions affect sleeping, eating, and the mood of the baby. Despite Ava telling me this many times, it took a few weeks to sink in. When I finally understood the concept, I began to view my child differently. It's amazing how a few new ideas changed my perspective and made parenting easier! I had perceived my baby as just a baby, not a person with feelings; but now I realize it’s true that infants are born with the same emotions we feel and express daily. I began to wonder how would I feel if someone tried to stop me from expressing my emotions. Not so great, probably. Yet I found myself trying to prevent my daughter from crying. I would quickly placate her with nursing or another activity, to distract her from her tears. No one wants to hear his or her child cry, and for me it was so painful to see her upset. Yet Ava pointed out that I was doing her a disservice by not allowing her to express herself. Suddenly, armed with what Ava’s insights, it was no longer as painful when the baby was upset. I was given this blessing of new-found patience, and had an opportunity to pause and help her work it out. If only for a few seconds, then building up to a few minutes, I no longer felt a sense of urgency to quiet her. Of course, one must keep it in perspective. If she’s hysterical, then going through the checklist is necessary: diaper, hunger, nap, comfort, position change, play etc. However, taking a moment to let her express herself is important. I never realized on an emotional level, because I understood it intellectually, that my child may be working through her day. Babies experience so many new things on a daily basis, I’m surprised they don't find the need to cry more often!"
How to Begin Enhancing the Emotional Skills of a Baby
Most parents notice it when their child experiences a change in mood or behavior. However they may not understand the underlying meaning of the behavior, or know how to handle it in a way that works: by encouraging emotional development.
Here are some steps you can take to enhance your child’s Emotional Intelligence:- Explain things as if the baby understands what’s going on.
- Find the right balance: don’t talk too much, over-explain, or talk too little to the baby.
- Relax and try to enjoy the ride.
- Use photos of emotions, which the baby can eventually point to in order to express feelings, before they have the language to identify them. (Once they get a little older My book, “ListenTo Me Please,” contains illustrations and words for 2 to 8-year-olds.)
Note: Learning new things takes time, so it could be weeks or months before you notice a marked improvement. And just when your child gets the hang of something, a new developmental milestone will probably come up!
Time-In Parenting: Teaching Skills and Redirecting To Better Behaviors
Here are some ideas of things to say or do in common situations that may upset a young child. Babies talk to us with their eyes, smiles and cries and movements. We can teach them how to enhance their Emotional Intelligence, we just have to do it slowly and patiently.
When either introducing a new person or leaving:
- Say, “It’s hard to leave Daddy, right?”
- Say, “I know it’s hard for little kids to go a long time without seeing someone.”
- Ask, “Do you want to go to your Mom and then come back?”
- Say, “We can teach little kids feelings.”
- Ask, “Want to say hello with your hand first? Wave hello.”
- Say, “Playing with your hand is a nice way of saying hello, because it’s a bridge between a new person and your Mom.”
- Say, “Crying is just a baby expressing their feelings.”
- Say, “I say how I feel, and then I’m okay.”
If you have a pet, and the baby pulls their fur, gently take the child’s hand and show them how make nice:
- Say, “That hurts the puppy. We make nice.” Harshness, yelling, and other negative responses are not required to teach children. Time-In Positive Parenting techniques are more effective in the long run.
When the baby starts crying when during diapering or dressing:
- Ask, “Are you trying to tell me something? Are you hungry, angry, happy, frustrated, or disappointed ?”
- In gentle voice say, “I know it’s hard,” and repeat the phrase a few times.
- Ask, “Is it scary? Uncomfortable?”
- Kiss the baby’s tummy or find another way to make the experience more fun.
- Play a game of peek-a-boo, so the baby associates changing and dressing with fun.
When you have to leave them, for example to go to work:
- Before you leave, say, “I know saying goodbye can be hard. It takes getting used to. I will think about you and we’ll have fun when I get back.”
- Leave behind a picture or video of you interacting with the child. Have the sitter show the child your video or picture frequently during the day, reassuring them that “Mommy will be back, and she loves you.”
- Kids don't develop what is called Object Constancy until age 3. They eventually learn to trust that you’ll return by experiencing repeated hellos and goodbyes.
- Call on the phone, because hearing your voice helps.
When you come home:
- Say, “I’m sorry I was gone. You are so important! I thought about you a lot.”
- Say, “I bet you had a great day!”
- Give your baby lots hugs, kisses and play time.
While some babies seem fine, don't let them fool you. They still need help learning to identify and express their feelings. The following video is a 3 min clip on how to begin Time-In parenting by teaching emotional intelligence.
Next: How your baby communicates with you
By Ava Parnass - Ava Parnass, a.k.a. “The Kid Whisperer,” is an author, songwriter and child therapist who specializes in marrying Entertainment, Emotional Intelligence i.e. Time-In not Time-Out for kids. Ms Parnass helps kids figure out how they feel through playing, talking, listening,reading, singing and dancing. Her multi-media materials, books and songs encourage parents and kids to read and sing along, in the process learning how awareness of feelings “Emotional Intelligence” improves problems and behavioral issues. Website: http://listentomeplease.com/ Blog: http://owl.li/72k8s Twitter: @ListenToMePleas
