Family identity refers to the attitudes and behaviors that are routine in a family.

Your children need to know what it means to be a “Jones” or “Larios” or “Patel.”  Family values create the structure needed for healthy growth, like a garden trellis.    You and your spouse come from different family identities and need to think about what your shared family identity will consist of.  Now is a good time to reflect and intentionally define some of your own family traits.  

Here are a few thoughts on fostering a strong, clear family identity:

Maintain a relaxed schedule.  The un-programmed times of the week provide the greatest opportunity to form and share family identity.  A hurried pace robs you of the opportunities to have a long bedtime routine, take walks, and cook together; yet the conversations that take place during these routines allow for the teachable moments about what it means to be a member of your family.

• Read books aloud. A good book has a purpose, like a strong family.  Your family can gain a common language and set of experiences from sharing good books.  As you read more complex stories, you can point out what you like about a character.  You might say, “Little Bear is very helpful.  That’s something a Rollins would do.”  Or, after reading a Curious George book, you might say, “An Oxenreider is always curious too, but we’d never climb in a dump truck.”
• Make some values overt.  Many aspects of a family identity are assumed.  However, you should decide on some of the big things that define your family and clearly communicate them from early on.  For us, we decided that talking about our problems together was a non-negotiable part of being in our family.  When something comes up, we say, “Because Oxenreiders talk about their problems, I need to tell you that….”  Now when we are talking about a conflict, our pre-teen daughter will often say, “Do we have to talk about this?” One of us inevitably reminds her, “Yes, we do. Because Oxenreiders always talk about their problems.”  You may want to write your top priorities down and post them somewhere, but it is not necessary.
• Share stories.  Talk about your own childhood, your college days, or even what you did that day.  Retelling your own experiences provides your child with examples of what was and is important to you.  Did you swim everyday of the summer?  Did you have a soda can collection?  Did your mom make your Halloween costume?  Your child will come to love these stories and gain a sense of her family history—an important part to a sense of belonging and being loved.  Sharing stories also provides a chance to increase your child’s emotional intelligence.  When your child has a nightmare, calm him down and tell him about one of your (appropriate) scary dreams.  Your child will hear how normal his fear is and identify with you—sending the message that he is a part of a family that has scary dreams and turns out just fine.
• Do family projects. If you want part of your family identity to include caring for others, plan an occasional family project.  Don’t make it too complicated.  Rake an elderly neighbor’s leaves.  Pass out Valentines at a nursing home.  Deliver a meal to a sick friend or someone returning home from a long trip.  These short projects just may become some of your favorite identity-shaping moments.

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