My friend gave birth to a baby girl a couple of months ago.  Caring for a newborn can be hard enough, but what makes it even more challenging is that my friend has a two-year-old as well.  As is often the case, this very young big brother is struggling to adjust to his new little sister.  Anytime he sees his mom holding the baby, he becomes emotionally distraught, demanding that she “put that baby down right now!”  If his mom doesn’t comply immediately he usually loses control, throwing a fit and sometimes becoming violent.  This sleep-deprived mom wonders what she could have done to ease the transition, and what she can do now.

There are different steps you can take to help your little one transition more easily when a newborn enters your family.  Much of it depends on the age of your older child, but here are some suggestions for helping manage the situation with a toddler.

Do lots of talking before the baby comes home for the first time.

The more your older child can understand what’s coming, the better he’ll be able to handle the transition.  Do your best to set expectations for him.  While it’s fine to talk about the fun things about having a baby around, be careful not to oversell.  Siblings need to know that the baby won’t be an instant playmate, and that for a while, the baby will mostly eat, sleep, and poop.  It’s also important that your child hears that you’re going to be taking care of his baby sister at times, and that you’ll need his help.  This won’t get rid of all of the problems, but as is the case in most areas of life, the more you can help build accurate expectations, the better things will typically go.

Schedule plenty of special “Mommy-time.”

Make sure you make a point to spend time with your older child alone.  This isn’t going to be easy, since the baby will have lots of needs you’ll be meeting.  But the more you communicate to your son – with your words as well as your actions – that he’s not being replaced, the better he’ll be able to deal with the big changes taking place around him.  One good way to approach this is to take 15 minutes twice a day, each day, to follow your child’s lead and just play, with your attention fully focused on him.  Or you can give yourselves a little treat and take your child out on a date, even if it’s just a quick trip to get an ice cream.  

Make nursing time inclusive.

Involve your older child when you’re feeding your baby.  This may be as simple as letting him come sit with you and talk with you while you’re nursing.  Or you two can read together.  He might even look forward to each time you sit down to nurse if he knows that is a time he can grab a few books and snuggle in for some silly, interesting reading time.  Getting to be with you and have you talking or reading to him can help him feel that you’re not solely focused on his little sister. 

Set up a “big-boy nursing-time” box.

Get a cardboard box or a plastic tub, and fill it with fun things that your child can play with only during baby-feeding times. Call it his special big-boy nursing-time box.  It doesn’t have to be expensive.  You can fill it with toys from the dollar store or garage sales.  As long as you’re supervising, you can even put in non-toy items like band-aids or string.
 Then, once nursing time is over, put the box away so it will be fun again the next time it’s time to nurse.  You might even set up rotating multiple boxes, so he doesn’t get tired of the one.  The point is to create in his mind a positive association with seeing you nurse his sister.  Again, it won’t solve all your problems, but it’ll help.

Take care of yourself.

I say this, even though I know it’s virtually impossible.  In my experience, having a newborn and another, older child, essentially means that often, you’re going to have a hard time finding time to shower or even eat, much less take care of yourself.  But you have to at least try. I can’t emphasize this enough.  Get away by yourself from time to time, even if it’s just an errand without having to load up the kids and giant diaper bags.  Or order in your favorite food.  Every small step you take in the direction of your own health is a step towards the health of your children as well.  (I’ll be writing a whole article about this soon, by the way.)

Don’t stress too much about it.

This is my last suggestion.  Children of all ages are apt to have a hard time when they have to share their mom with a new baby.  As long as you can consistently communicate to your older child that you have plenty of love for both him and the baby, and that she will never replace him in your heart, then you’ll all come through this admittedly difficult period even closer to each other and ready to take on whatever the next difficult period is.  In fact, keep in mind that the very struggles your child is facing in learning to share you and not have all your attention are experiences that help him build great skills.   Even though it’s hard, it’s great for your child.

By Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. - Dr. Bryson is a psychotherapist at Pediatric and Adolescent Psychology Associates in Arcadia, California, where she sees children and adolescents, as well as provides parenting consultations.  Her book The Whole-Brain Child (Random House, 2011, co-authored with Dr. Dan Siegel) gives parents practical ways to transform difficult moments into opportunities for children to thrive.   Visit www.TinaBryson.com to find out more.